Falling..

Out of a lot of things. Out of blindness. Out of Being Pressured. Out of Love. Into reality. Into being free. I've come to realize Ive been tricking myself (and Ive been tricked) into being happy when I knew I wasn't from the start. People said it will feel soo good when Im out of this ditch. And though Im not yet out, just REALIZING that Im on my way out feels amazing! Its like walking through a long dark tunnel and seeing signs of life at the other end. Im glad I didnt wait too long to realize. Speaking of walking long dark roads, I literally walked from sdsu to my house because the trolley stopped running and brandon wasnt on aim. Despite that, He took my toothbrush ate my ice cream locked my door twice and yelled at me. But it doesnt hurt anymore. Because Im not chasing an impossible thing. I cant wait to get back to me! I realized I was forcing myself to model when I dont feel like it. I mean yes maxim is awesome but I realized that in every aspect of life if you aren't happy then it means nothing. Ive been praying so long for deliverance and began to think that maybe that sad route was meant for me or that maybe i was doing something wrong. But Hes taking me out of the mud and putting my feed on solid ground. Im going to castings that I feel Im going to start eating and dressing right Im going to work out take music classes only model when I feel Im ready and Im going to attempt to stop cracking my knuckles. In january Brandons supposed to join the navy and I hope to God he does. Not just for me but for him. Ive been trying with him soo long it would bring me satisfaction to see that he lives on. After that, I will have overcome something so great (to overcome an abusive relationship. wow) and Im going to inform other of it, even thought love is hardheaded, it doesnt hurt to try. After that maybe I will have enough money saved and Ill be in shape and Im planning on getting my license by then. I will go to la and look for a roomie a job and get accustomed/find the area I like best. Then I will move (a HUGE step) and My career will take off from there. All while attending school. Where will life take me?! We'll see if I stay on track or go completely off or only veer off for a little..SIGH OF RELIEF....THANKS GOD!

-that's the way love goes!..-


Amber McKinney